relapse, for dummies

cutting is stupid. really, really fucking stupid.

i relapsed last two nights ago because i am me and it needed to happen. because i believe in the fates/some kind of forces/god, this kind of made sense when i typed it, but not as much when i actually saw it on the screen.

in my school we have a multitude of wonderful, slightly too much aware teachers, and i confess to one on occasion because i don't actually go to an organized church. (my mother was raised catholic, so i have that guilty streak, i guess)

anyway, i usually sit down on a desk, close my eyes, clasp my hands in prayer, and say "Father C_____, I have sinned."

i know he is glaring at me, not really glaring as much as lovingly, pity-ish glaring, because he taught me how to read Lord of the Flies and all of the sexual innuendos that went along with that during my freshman year, and he's technically my literary father, but he sighs, long and deep, and says: "Is this a money thing?"

i nod in my blindness and also say "I feel like shit."

he gives me two dollars and advice. he tells me to treat myself well, to read fight club and write. i remember when my writing sucked worse than it does now, and this isn't really reassuring as much as it is just a reminder that i sucked at one point at will suck again.

...

i've learned a lot of things about depression, like that it really sucks and that i should try to stay away from razor blades in mid winter, but i've never really figured anything out that matters. and because i like to analyze the fuck out of everything, i pretty much collapse and freak out mentally every time i realize that this is true. it's repetitive and redundant and makes me want to throw up in my own mouth but i know that doing any of those things aren't possible, so i usually just crawl up into my bed and overeat to the point of near catatonic un-action. 

i just don't know how to make it stop sucking. 

...

december 10th, 2014